Conflict

Sunday, December 21, 2014

Discuss a time you had a conflict. What was it about? What happened?

Butting heads sucks. The one that I am not used to is conflicts at the workplace, where your actions can affect everyone around you since you see them almost every day. My colleague and I were pretty tight in the sense that we were comfortable enough to tease each other, but sometimes she'd forget who her audience is - my manager would be in the room and she'd bring up the time I couldn't find my shoes for two days because of the night before, jokes about me slacking off in front of other colleagues, etc.

In the end, I decided to pull her aside and tell her that was not cool and why I felt like it wasn't cool. After that, we were cool with each other, more or less.

What basic emotions did you feel upon analyzing the conflict?

On the superficial level, I was upset that a colleague didn't know her boundaries and made inappropriate jokes in front of others. However, on a much deeper level, what made me toss and turn was how I could handle this in a respectable, effective way, as a working professional, a colleague, and ultimately as an adult. I felt like I was testing myself, pushing myself to be the bigger person and make it better.

My friends know how I handle conflicts, they have unfortunatey suffered from them: I laugh it off until the straw breaks the camel's back, then I go at it - explode and bring in other unrelated issues with it, like a tornado with no warning -or- I completely shut down and say nothing until the storm has passed, and never confront or resolve the problem.

What actions did you take to resolve your conflict?

My first instinct is to go with the latter - cold shoulder, avoid contact, blend into the wall. However, I knew from past experience that sweeping things under the rug doesn't mean all that crap magically goes away. Crap is crap, it's just going to sit there, smell worse and worse until it doesn't smell anymore, and when you trip over it, it's only yourself to blame for putting it there in the first place. So, this time with my coworker, I decided the best route is to talk to her and tell her to stop leaving crap around to piss me off.

If you could go back, what would you do differently, if anything?

I wish I had been upfront with her after the first instance of slip-up so that she gets it. When I am uncomfortable, my natural defense mechanism is to laugh. I hate looking uncomfortable so then I overcompensate by appearing too flexible/nonchalent. Thus, people mistakenly assume I am enjoying the moment, their lame joke. So, another thing I'd do differently is let them know it's not always funny and I'm not always laughing.

What did you learn from this experience?

→ Keep your cool, take a step back, and think about what you have to say before impulsviely firing back
→ It's okay to be offended and let others know how you feel
→ Speak up for yourself because no one else can
→ "It's not you, it's me" - don't focus so much what they did wrong but rather on how it affected you
→ Keep amusing stories to yourself if you have blabbermouth office mates